AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
