it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
