I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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