He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
