im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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