Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
