she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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