jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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