Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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