i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
