He uses pillows to masturbate.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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