My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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