We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
