chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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