At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
