I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
