What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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