you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
