6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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