my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
