My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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