oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
