First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
