It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
