I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
