You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
