saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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