I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Someone came in the potted fern
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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