Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
