I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
