Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
