Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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