you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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