whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize