so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
