i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
