He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
