She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
