Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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