Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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