NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
