you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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