I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
