gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
