we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
