Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
