I faked an abortion last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
