Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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