I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
