Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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